Because Of This…. (Rape and Invisible Illness)

in·vis·i·ble

adjective: unable to be seen; not visible to the eye

 ill·ness

noun: a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind

Invisible illness comes in many forms, in many symptoms, and attacks each person differently. It can be a physical or mental illness, or both. There is no one type of invisible illness. Today we are going to introduce you to a strong woman who has been through things some of us can’t even imagine.  Unfortunately, what she has gone through happens to other people in this world on a daily basis.

Did you know that one in four women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime? One in Four – that  boils down to 1.3 women are being raped in this country per minute…PER MINUTE.

That’s an insane statistic, one that we should be ashamed is happening in our modern world!

As you’ve read these last few sentences no less than three rapes have occurred, those are the ones that have been reported.

That number doesn’t take into account the sexual assaults that have been kept secret because the victims are made to feel like liars, or are shamed into silence.

This is the world we live in, and in this world invisible illness is king.

Today we are going to hear from one brave woman who has survived the unthinkable.

 With that said, let me introduce this week’s Voice of Invisible Illness:

Jill Udart: Invisible Illness- Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder

I was sexually molested when I was just eight years old by my first step-father.  My mother did not believe me. I never told anyone until I was thirty-one after he had died.

My toxic narcissist mother programmed me to feel worthless and to be afraid of everything.

Because of this, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder.
I am on meds now, so I can control these feelings on the outside, but they still haunt my insides, my mind, and my soul.

Because of this, I never had any children. It was my choice not to spread my mother’s gene pool any further.

I think I started menopause 10 years early because I never had children. I used to be a cigarette smoker. I cannot maintain healthy relationships.  I’ve fallen in love three times, the men were all the same: they didn’t finish high school, they were unemployed and lastly, they were alcoholics.

It was the typical “I want to fix them” story.

I do not experience happiness or joy the way I should.  I just maintain one level emotion: medium.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I lived 8 states away and could not afford to see her one last time. I called her sobbing to tell her that I loved her very much and that I would miss her terribly.

Her response was:

“You’ve kept me out of your life for so long, why should this be any different?”

I was speechless.

She didn’t say she loved me

She didn’t say she would miss me.

I was crushed.

When she died, I found out that she had disinherited me in her last will and testament.  She left everything to my older brother – her Golden Child – who is unemployed, lived with her and has been an alcoholic for 30+ years.  My brother inherited a paid off house in Florida, a brand new paid off car and her $10,000 dollar diamond ring that I was supposed to receive.

My mother managed to hurt me one last time – from the grave.

I am alone now and do not foresee finding anyone to spend the rest of my life with. Why would anyone want someone as broken as me?

I may be alone, but I am not lonely because I have perfected my alone time since childhood.

It’s just me, and my invisible illness.