The Pissing Contest: Step by Step

Installation #1: Explaining the male psyche

You’ve heard the term Pissing Contest? Well, for us (men) this is a real and very serious thing.  It must take place out of doors, preferably in a semi-public place so that there is an added element of risk.  We like risk.  We do not have contests standing at a urinal during happy hour.  That would be considered bad form and kind of creepy.

Pissing Content Rules:

• The opponents must stand side by side 6 feet apart, so that distance judging cannot be questioned and arc height has an obvious point of reference. There is no referee.  Honor is paramount.
• We do not check out each other’s plumbing.  This is grounds for disqualification and the end of Happy Hour.  We take a great deal of comfort in knowing it is there, but we don’t feel the need to look (this is called meat gazing).  That would be weird.
• Copious quantities of beer are usually involved to increase hydraulic pressure. Quantities are left to the contestant’s discretion to compensate for age, weight, and bladder size variance.
• Balconies, roofs, and large boats are considered choice venues unless the match involves penmanship, which we’ll go over in a moment.
• The standard competition is usually judged on distance (pressure), arc (height), accuracy, duration, and timing.  As in most other competitive sports, it is important that the athletes are competing in the same time frame.
• In a penmanship match, snow is the preferred medium (with a shrinkage factor handicap factored in), although dry, fine sun-baked sand is also acceptable.  Opponents agree, before the match starts, on style—block letters or cursive.  Cursive is the usual choice.  Block letters will send some competitors crying and running back to the bar.  Without extensive training, the stopping and starting between letters can be extremely painful and unless properly executed, can result in disqualification.  The subject matter must be legible.  If it is not, this if referred to as the unattended fire hose effect, or willy-nilly.
• There is no argument or contesting a match.  There is no instant replay.  Contestants are working with an unspoken code of honor.
• Interestingly, (and this brings us back to the unspoken code) the winner buys the next round of beer, to refuel for the rematch.

Sometimes this leads to the master’s round, particularly if the athletes walked to the bar.  During the walk home, we move into PPR (public pissing round).  This is a freestyle event with only one contestant at a time.  Once again our code of honor rules. The athlete not competing at the time becomes the judge.  There have been times when the first competitor executes such a perfect round that the potential opponent yields and the match is over.

Master’s Round Guidelines:

• The use of props and diversion are important in this event.  Scores are based on levels of difficulty, discretion, and audacity.  Not unlike judging a surfing contest, every situation is different and every athlete executes moves according to their personal style.
• Important props include a large cup, a newspaper, a loose upper-thigh length jacket, and most importantly—a cell phone.  A loud imaginary conversation on the cell phone diverts attention from the cup or the rolled newspaper over the garbage can to the competitor’s face.
• Discretion is crucial in this round.  Discovery results in immediate disqualification and possibly a little jail time.

I hope this, and future installments will be useful in explaining the male psyche.