Broken

SA Smith

Broken, less than … that’s how I feel.
A shadow of the person I am supposed to be.
Never able to finish what I plan or hope to accomplish.
Always checking to see how I feel. Have I overdone? Will the pain be too much?
I feel like a pain. A pain to the people that depend on me most.

I am supposed to be strong.
I am supposed to be brave.
I am supposed to be able to stand up and be the me I have always been.
Be a mom, be a wife, be a woman that is independent and enchanted with life.

I am less than.

I take it hour by hour, day by day.
Hoping that I can do it, hoping I can get through it.
Making excuses to call away the pain.
Hoping that maybe they don’t see it in my eyes – the pain, the sadness, the feeling of despair.
Hoping that maybe they won’t see what is really going on.
Hoping that maybe today I won’t have to break down and decide what has to be done, and what I can put off for yet another day.

Hope is what I still have … that the pain hasn’t yet taken away.
Every day is another day, every day a different degree of me.
Mostly broken, mostly less than … but still hopeful that tomorrow will be better.

Photo Credit: Marko Milošević via Compfight cc

Written by 

SA Smith has always loved the magical life. She is the bestselling Amazon author of FOREVER, her four part young adult paranormal romance series. She is an advocate for women of all shapes and sizes. Believing that we are all enough just as we are, and needing to spread that word far and wide. Having been diagnosed with CRPS over 12 years ago, SA also uses her writing to increase social awareness of the disease. Writing is her passion. She often tells friends that writing is a journey for her. It’s like spending time with friends. "I just follow my characters along on their adventures, like a fly on the wall, and see where they take me." SA currently lives in Florida with her best friend/husband and their one son.

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12 thoughts on “Broken”

  1. Oh God. This is so relatable I felt it. I get it… every word! I read it almost trance like … I could have written it myself. I’ve had a relative good day today, I hope, sincerely, that you have too. Thank you for sharing. Kimmie x

  2. Thank you Shareen for getting it. I asked Julie and Marla to look over this piece before it published because it was coming from so deep inside me, I wasn’t sure if anyone else would understand it. I LOVE that you get it, you know what I’m saying and how it feels. We are all supposed to be so much, we have so much pressure on us, and when we falter….it’s tough. Thank you for all your comments and just getting it. Big hugs!

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  7. Jackie that means a lot to me coming from you. I think we all have our own pain to deal with. Some you can see, some you can’t. I think the invisible pain is the hardest. People don’t understand what’s wrong, or why you can’t go with them or better yet, why you don’t want to.

    But you are right…pain is pain is pain.

  9. Thanks Drew. With chronic pain each day is a new adventure. That’s why I just keep hoping that it’ll be better. We are nothing without hope.

  11. Sherri,

    This is beautiful prose.
    Owning the words and your brokenness gives us all the strength and hope to carry on, despite the challenges we face. No one is unbroken. Not really.
    Pain is pain is pain, and your words are wholly relatable.
    Thank you.

    X Jackie

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