Yigal often said to me, “Are you trying to turn me into a gay guy?”
He loved the butt plug, but he was ashamed that he loved it. I explained to Yigal, and the other men, “The anus is not only for gay men to enjoy, but it also feels good to women and straight guys too. There are tons of nerve endings in the anus that get a delicious sensual massage with a butt plug. And the bonus is that this anal massage also strokes your prostate at the same time. You will go wild with ecstasy, and it helps prevent prostate cancer! The incidence of prostate cancer in gay men is significantly lower than that of heterosexual men. Did you know for women that there are more nerve endings in the anus than in the vagina? So this taboo anus has all kinds of joys awaiting both of us!” There were a few men who adamantly refused my butt plug invitation. Of course, I explained that they were raining on my parade. One time, a guy still refused by saying, “I never liked parades anyway.” I laughed so hard!
An hour had passed without hearing from Basak. It made me nervous. I pulled out my lists to see who might be around in the off chance that Basak was M.I.A. I was seriously looking for sex that night, not a relationship, so I cruised my “No No List.” I placed a few “Hi, just checking in” calls, which I did every month to keep tabs on my prey. During those calls, I discovered that two of my young hotties were out of town, and the others did not respond. I started to panic. Then I got angry and thought, Fuck, I’m here this weekend without Rebecca and horny as hell damn it! THIS is why I need to keep a longer list of men at the ready.
I went online to check out guys I had been canvassing via the dating sites. I needed one ripe to meet me at the last minute.
In between frantic email cruising, I called Basak several times. By then, it was nearly 7 PM. I was flipping out, so I called my friend, Adriana for solace.
“Hey, Mamacita you are back!”
“Adriana, I am not well.”
“Did you get sick in Florida?”
“No, I got sick as soon as I got home.”
“Yeah, it’s still pretty cold here.”
“No,” I said. “Not physically sick from the cold but mentally sick from the cold trail leading to no one.”
I finally broke down and cried.
“Honey, oh dear. But, I don’t know what you are talking about my love. Can you try to explain it a little better for my Spanish brain to comprehend?”
“Adri, I am sick. I am. I have a problem, and I don’t even know what to call it.” Sobbing even harder now, Adriana interjected, “Honey, is Rebecca there?”
“No, thank God. I would hate for her to see me like this. How would I even explain it?”
“Yeah, right. Well, do you think you could try to explain this pain to me?”
I sobbed throughout my attempt to explain my state.
“What is wrong with me? I spend all of my free time searching for guys, spending time with them, then having sex with them. The next day, I get completely depressed when I discover that they are not the one, and I start the entire cycle all over again.”
I continued my rant. “If I do have free time, and I don’t spend it with a man, I feel like I’m going to die. The pain is unbearable. That is completely crazy! It is not normal!! God, what is wrong with me?!”
“It is crazy to want a guy that bad. But you are asking a lesbian, remember?”
Laughing and crying at the same time. “Adri I hate you. You always get me to laugh when I don’t want to laugh!”
“Okay, I can be serious.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s okay. But, Adri … I have an intense emotional problem that I can’t figure out. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. I am devastated when I am without a man or sex. It is not normal.”
“I cannot help you with the man part, but I can help you with the sex part. You want me to come over tonight?”
I contemplated Adri’s offer. I had always enjoyed having sex with Adriana, but on this night, this desperate night, I wanted a man. Even though I had started out the evening wanting sex, any sex, when no man responded, I sunk into loneliness. It terrified me. I finally looked this sexual monster in the face, albeit for a brief moment. I thought to myself through the torrent of tears, Could all this desire for sex be covering my real need for love? I knew that sex with Adriana would take the edge off, but I realized what I really wanted was to fall in love with a man, any man that would help me forget about Yigal.I made a counter offer to Adriana …
“Sweetie, I would so love to see you tonight. However, what I need to do tonight is dance. There’s this great new club I’ve heard about, would you please come with me?”
“Ugh, Mamacita. I am in my pajamas already. If you just wanted me to come to your place, I would throw a coat over me and drive down. But a club?”
“Please, Adri. I don’t beg you very often, but I am in a terrible way. I’m scared. Dancing always helps me to relieve stress and get grounded.” Of course, I did not want to emphasize that I also was in desperate need of my fix—to find a new guy. My list was getting dangerously short.
Adriana responded uncharacteristically curt, “I do not want to go out dancing. It is the last thing on earth I want to do tonight.” My heart sank, and I started to cry again.
“Honey, what is going on with you?”Adriana asked.
“I told you Adri; I do not know! I am fucked up!!”
“Aye aye aye aye aye what am I going to do with you?”
“Please, I beg you Adri. Please come out dancing with me tonight? If you would come for only 30 minutes, then you could leave.”
“30 minutes. You would be okay with that?”
“Yes, I promise you. I just don’t want to show up by myself. It would help me. I know it sounds crazy, but I need this tonight.”
“If this is one of those clubs that starts at midnight then I will not go, sorry.”
“No, no, no, it is more like a lounge, and we can go in an hour so you can get home sooner.”
“Okay.”
“I love you Adri!!!”
“What I do for you… aye aye aye aye aye!”
Basak finally called back, right before Adriana picked me up. “Shanti, I am so sorry luv, but I have been in bed with some horrible bug since last night. I just woke up and received your messages.” Good thing he actually did sound horrible, or I would have stricken him from my lists forever.
“Hope your bed bug gives good head anyway!”
“You are totally sicker than me. That’s what I love about you.”
“Rest and call me in the morning!”
“Thanks, doc.”
Little did Basak know of the tumultuous roller coaster ride I had been on when I didn’t hear from him. Adriana was the first person I had let into my terrifying addiction turmoil. Even though we were best friends, I was afraid to show her the extent of my desperation.
In the high of knowing I might get my fix that night, I frolicked through my closets for a fun outfit to wear. I felt whimsical, so I chose my new orange and black bomber jacket, an orange halter top, black bell-bottoms, a pair of platform sandals, and my new over-sized blonde afro wig. I was a 70’s delight sistah and ready to Disco down. The wig was a bit over the top. I remember my commitment to myself when I bought it a few weeks back: This is totally adorable, but you can’t buy it unless you commit to wearing it! It was still sitting in my closet with the tags and screaming at me; I want to come out and play! So I released her from her closet prison. Where is a good afro pick when you need one?
I was ready to party.
Photo Credit: Silentmind8 via Compfight cc
Great writing. The anus has more nerve endings than the vaginal cavity because the vaginal cavity does not have many nerve endings but the clitoris has more nerve endings than any part of the body in both males and females.
Patty,
Shame is the bitch that needs to be kicked to the curb! Your voice will ring true for so many I am sure.
Julie, I appreciate your support more than you know! Was a tough decision for me to go public with such a shameful addiction, especially being a woman. We know women still live with the stigma of needing to be virgins, right? I hope that my exposing my struggles will help others who may find they too have struggled in the arena of sex and intimacy.
Wow… Patty you really have lived a life. I can not wait for the rest of your story. Thank you for being so honest, and brave.