20 Life Lessons from Your Best Buddy

Most of these little pearls of wisdom come from my wild and sordid youth. I will be updating as I recall more. If even one person is saved any heartache and pain I will feel like I have been of service.

1. When peeing over a balcony, be sure to check between the wooden slats for spiders.
2. When your sister-in-law owns a big natural foods pet store, do not hand-paint signs and hang them without her permission. Especially if she has a dog clothing section. She does not want it called “Doggy Style.” And, when she offers storage service for dogs for artificial insemination, she doesn’t want it called “Happy Endings.” You could get a bloody lip.
3. If you drop your wallet on the floor of a bar in Key West. Leave it. You can get another one.
4. If you are riding on a mule on a ranch in Texas and you turn around and your drunk friend who was riding on the flatbed disappears, stop and look. He could be hanging onto the trailer hitch as you drive through the river bed.
5. Never tell a biker chick in a bar who is asking about your friend while he’s having a pee that he said to meet him in the bathroom. It won’t turn out well.
6. If you are walking a girl home late at night in St. Croix and you are approached from the shadows by a guy with a knife inquiring about her purse, don’t break a beer bottle and give chase. He may have a friend in the shadows who will relieve her of the purse anyway.
7. If you are sitting in a bar and an armed robbery is taking place, do not casually push your wallet on the floor behind the bar. He will see it, and he will be upset.
8. Never piss off a big male monkey with a bad attitude when he pops onto your balcony looking for bananas. He could throw a spare propane tank at you. It won’t hurt you to keep some bananas handy.
9. It’s a good idea to be sure you remember someone’s name before you sleep with them.
10. If you are pulling your waterskiing friend on a slalom, resist the urge to turn around and give the thumbs up. Oyster bars are not forgiving, and neither is your friend. It’s also not good for his boat.
11. If you find yourself camping on a small island and nature calls and you forget the TP, be sure that the bush within reaching distance is not poison oak.
12. If you are chopping habanero peppers to make hot sauce remember to wash your hands before and after you use the bathroom.
13. If a woman won’t be intimate with you after 3 months of pursuing, it doesn’t mean she’s the love of your life. It means she doesn’t like you.
14. If you hear a very low, loud rumbling sound 20 feet from your deck and you haven’t chopped the bush, and if it turns into a growl, go inside, it’s a puma.
15. If you ever fall off of a large boat under sail, it’s a good idea to yell a little. It will take some time to turn around.
16. Tequila and intelligent conversations do not mix.
17. Do not spend 2 days fishing and drinking beer with your buddies and then go to dinner with a sophisticated and beautiful woman.
18. Be sure that when you go out on a first date that you go to a place where no one will have stories of your youth.
19. If you are in a foreign country, do not use the “Ok” sign. It means something else in some places.
20. Never try to break up a redneck bar fight. Your reasoning skills don’t matter.

Later,
Bert

Photo Credit: Travis Isaacs via Compfight cc