I Could Have Been In Playboy

Amanda Linsmeier

once this time when we had a nice computer and i

was not so nice to myself

i photoshopped my face

turning muddy hazel eyes to blue

turning brown hair to blond

getting rid of hair anywhere it did not need to be

blurring, sculpting, perfecting

erasing myself

i said to friends i’m saving up for boobs

and a nose job and i thought to myself

perhaps i can be in playboy someday when i’m sexy enough

and now when i see myself

i thank god i never went through with any of that

i have learned how

to love myself

and i hate that i had to hate myself

first

Photo Credit: teresawer Flickr via Compfight cc

Written by 

Amanda Linsmeier is the author of Ditch Flowers and Beach Glass & Other Broken Things. Her writing has been featured in Portage Magazine, Literary Mama, and Brain, Child Magazine. Besides writing Women’s Fiction, she loves reading and writing fables, fairy tales, and fantasy, and sometimes she pretends her Hogwarts letter is still coming. When she’s not writing, she works part-time at her local library and brings home more books than she has time to read. Amanda lives in the countryside, surrounded by trees, with her family, two dogs, and two half-wild cats. For her, writing is the best kind of magic, and her work is heavily influenced by mysterious women, nature, and beautiful images and fueled with lots of iced coffee and background music. She’s the kind of monster who dog-ears book pages, and she has read her favorite book, Beauty by Robin McKinley, probably a hundred times. She loves pizza, tattoos, shopping, and pretty much anything French.

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One thought on “I Could Have Been In Playboy”

  1. **i have learned how
    to love myself
    and i hate that i had to hate myself
    first**

    Many woman will identify w/ this and it really PISSES me off.

    thank you from MN. x

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