*This article is not related to any brothel; legal or otherwise. And get your minds out of the gutter. When the word ‘pussy’ is mentioned, it’s referring to a cat.
Yes, it’s true. With the menagerie of cats living at our house, my wife and I have officially named our home The Pacailler Pussy Palace or PPP for short. It’s all about the pussies, all the time. It even has its own Facebook page.
I’m not anti-pussy, I’m pretty much a ‘like-cats-sometimes-a-little-bit’ kind of guy. But when your home revolves around the happiness of five pussies, well, that’s a different story altogether. Life at the Pussy Palace is one great adventure indeed.
When I met my wife in 2009, she had seven pussies. Thankfully, she only has five today. Still, however, that’s five too many. We acquired most of them pre-owned. Friends, neighbors, and relatives alike constantly come to us to discard their unwanted pussies. Although they can be cute and cuddly at first, anyone that’s ever owned a pussy knows that they can also be disgusting, destructive, and downright vicious.
Because of instinct, most do well at keeping themselves clean on a regular basis. However, the occasional pussy has issues with hygiene and this is no exception at the Pussy Palace. One resident in particular, known as Latte (yes, named after a coffee with milk, which costs five times as much as a coffee with milk), habitually plays aqua-paw in every toilet in the house. The other pussies shed their hair constantly, and it’s not uncommon to find pussy hair scattered throughout the house – even in the refrigerator.
When a pussy misbehaves, they are disciplined by sentencing them to Pussy Prison in accordance to the rules and regulations of the Pussy Palace. In an effort to rehabilitate them, they are often locked in solitary confinement in the master bedroom for an entire day. Note the mugshots below of each resident of the Pussy Palace and their corresponding crimes:
L to R: Bon Qui Qui, Latte, Pounder, Polly and Jutta
Bon Qui Qui (yes, named in honor of fast food employee on the MADtv television series) Charge: Hissing, clawing, and chasing other resident pussies; refusing attention from loving caregivers
Latte aka coffee with milk, which costs five times as much as a coffee with milk
AquaPaw Charge: Playing with toilet bowl water; shredding active rolls of toilet paper; trespassing in kitty-free zones; escape
Pouncer Charge: Pouncing other resident pussies
Polly Charge: Being a pussy and not standing up for her pussy rights; being a fraidy-cat
Jutta Charge: Being declawed in a house full of pussies; leisurely walking into an active shower stall; refusing to bury after using the litter box.
Since they sleep most of the day, it’s not uncommon for all five of our pussies to be mischievous, sly and downright naughty at night. Growling, hissing, fighting,spitting, and full-fledged pussy fights occur regularly— sometimes right in bed with us. A squirt bottle of water is kept handy in an effort to scare the offending pussy away from their treacherous actions.
Another adventure at the PPP is when we feed our pussies. While most believe they should be fed on the floor from plastic dishes, my wife insists that our pussies are fed on their own custom PPP feeding station—complete with custom dinnerware. In addition, pussy treats are given regularly throughout the day to ensure they remain fat and happy. However, due to overfeeding, it’s not uncommon to discover and/or step in pussy vomit from time to time.
It’s true. Guitarists get all the pussy.
All five of our pussies have completely different personalities and it’s no secret that Pouncer is my personal favorite. In an honest effort to be playful, I often antagonize this pussy with the kitchen broom and chase it around the house. In retaliation, sometimes I’m viciously attacked until I bleed. I will forever carry the many physical and emotional scars from my favorite pussy savagely turning on me. However, I do attract the other pussies in the house every time I pick up my guitar.
At the end of the day, however, it’s all about playtime with our pussies. All five enjoy one-on-one attention. Whether it’s petting, brushing, or playing with toys, it’s very gratifying to satisfy a pussy and to hear it purr. We’ve dedicated an entire corner of our living room to our pussies complete with an eight-foot climbing tower and a toy box full of various pussy toys. In fact, many fans of the Pacailler Pussy Palace Facebook page send gifts to our pussies throughout the year to add to their massive toy collection.
Yes, life at the Pacailler Pussy Palace is all about the pussies, all the time. And after living here and experiencing it firsthand for the past five years, I can honestly say that yes, there is a thing as too much pussy.
After living under a rock for nearly 25 years, Dave had his eyes opened wide to the world in 2010 after marrying his crazy cat lady wife. Intrigued by controversy, culture, lifestyle, current events and history, Dave has traveled to 41 states and a handful of foreign countries. Defined as ‘metro’ by his three kids, you will often find him cleaning the house instead of working out in the yard. In his spare time, Dave likes to write sappy love songs but will be the first to admit that he can’t carry a tune.
I’m getting ready to tweet this on FC under Men of FC. I haven’t read it before and I’m dying. Dying. Dying of laughter. I can picture life in PPP so well and I just know I would adore your wife. My kinda cat person. Pussy Person? I have only one right now, purely by accident. My little cousins asked me to watch him and he never left. Socks. Note: named by two little girls–not me. My terrier is quite put out and often I will find strange objects she leaves in the cat’s food bowl. Just to mess with him. I think I need more pussies. Just to piss off the dog. I blog here under Diary of an Arizona Girl. Cya on FC and thanks for the great laughs. OMG, the lineup and offenses. The best!
I’m getting ready to tweet this on FC under Men of FC. I haven’t read it before and I’m dying. Dying. Dying of laughter. I can picture life in PPP so well and I just know I would adore your wife. My kinda cat person. Pussy Person? I have only one right now, purely by accident. My little cousins asked me to watch him and he never left. Socks. Note: named by two little girls–not me. My terrier is quite put out and often I will find strange objects she leaves in the cat’s food bowl. Just to mess with him. I think I need more pussies. Just to piss off the dog. I blog here under Diary of an Arizona Girl. Cya on FC and thanks for the great laughs. OMG, the lineup and offenses. The best!